Letting Go, Letting In, Letting Be
Dear Ones,
There is an art of reconciliation. To reconcile has a latin root meaning to bring back together.
The sound that erupted from the depth of the Earth and the depth of each of us these past years was a collective rage, grief, sorrow, and also possibility. I feel what came through for many of us on a personal level were our parts that live in the dark. The wanting, needy, anxious parts of ourselves that are kept at bay. In the most intimate ways, these aren’t parts of the self to be healed or released - though healing and release happens. They’re to be included - brought back together. For Love is an experience which nothing is outside of.
“We are terrified of letting go, terrified, in fact, of living at all, since learning to live is learning to let go.”
-Tibetan Book of the Living and the Dying
Letting go was an early mantra for me on my remembrance journey ~ expressions of impermanence, non attachment. When I first heard the quote I shared above, it was 2014 and I was at Ananda Ashram in upstate New York, toward the end of a yoga class, in savasana. I heard these words and my whole body lit up with sensations. Something in me recognized those words the instant I heard them, “since learning to live is learning to let go.”
I knew this was the key to end my internal emotional turmoil. I was holding on so much to the pain of the past. I was riddled with rejections, and my depression was rampant - mostly anchored to not feeling a part of the world around me. If I could let go of that maybe I could finally relax, and live.
Fast forward 5 years, to the end of 2019, when I began to realize that all this innerwork toward cultivating a sense of equanimity and harmony was incredibly vital and poignant. But it was not yet complete. I did take the mantra to heart to let go, but what I also did was shut down. I had pushed away and out of sight the parts of me that I felt were needy, uncertain, and anxious. I see now I didn’t feel worthy enough to show those parts of me and still belong. I held a belief that if I wasn't truly visible and vulnerable with these fragile parts, then no one could hurt me.
As these parts of me that lived in the dark resurfaced I realized that I can’t actually belong without them - I can’t be fully seen. Because I’m not fully there, as perfectly human Anazya. As Anayza I have certain desires, needs, and wants; and these desires long to be met. I truly feel they are my Soul sharing who I am. Being in full form, comfortable with my individuation. --The world doesn't need more people who fit in, the Earth is calling for people to humbly and fully BE themselves--
This isn’t an easy teaching to practice. The radical honesty it takes to be one’s self out-loud is a relentless and unapologetic sort of self love. However, true intimacy, authenticity, and belonging comes with literally all of me. The anxious aspects being part of the truly innocent and precious parts of me that are eager for connection and love.
Feeling fully my emotions and sustaining my Soul’s call out into the world. The call and response are not separate, rather one Divine sound.